Some Things Rats Won’t Do
“First, let’s thrill all the lawyers!”
Me, with apologies to my favorite poet
“First, let’s thrill all the lawyers!”
Me, with apologies to my favorite poet
Does anybody out there have a good lawyer joke? According to various online sources, there are at least 214 extant lawyer jokes. With a little hard work, I feel like we can get that number up to 250 by the end of the year.
I love lawyer jokes. Not so much joke lawyers, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
Mark Twain had a good one:
“To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.”
So did Jeremy Bentham:
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
And Benjamin Franklin:
“A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”
In the 1969 musical 1776, Peter Stone wrote one for John Adams:
“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”
Even Shakespeare took a shot at lawyers in Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” soliloquy, including “the laws delay” among the “thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to” and one of the “whips and scorns of time.”
My favorite lawyer joke goes like this:
Why are they using lawyers for scientific experiments instead of rats?
First, there are a lot more lawyers.
Second, lab technicians don’t get attached to lawyers.
Third, and most importantly, there are just some things rats won’t do.
Nobody takes a punchline beating like a lawyer. One starts to get the impression that the world considers us all a bunch of inept charlatans, as if “lawyer” were merely a subset of “scumbag.”
“Not so!” say I. I’ve met a lot of lawyers over the last forty years. In my experience, most of them were (and are) intellectually curious, ethical, disciplined, fun-loving, service-oriented, forward-thinking, dedicated members of their community. Lawyers are the custodians of the rule of law for goodness’ sake! You can’t talk that way about my friends!
Scumbaggery is not limited to any one profession; it spans the full spectrum of every trade conceived by humankind. Why do lawyers get all the jokes? Can’t we focus on architects, engineers, mental health professionals, actors and blog writers for once?
You’d think I was starting to take all these lawyer jokes personally. I’m not. I just really love my profession. And my colleagues.
But seriously…
A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a paralegal, and a blog-writer were stranded on a sinking ship. They spied an island in the distance. Someone had to swim for help.
The doctor spoke up. “I’ll do it. I’ve dedicated my life to saving bodies.” He dived into the water. A school of sharks converged and devoured him.
Next, the preacher spoke. “I have given my life to saving souls. I will swim for shore.” She dived into the water; the same school of sharks devoured her.
Finally, the lawyer spoke. “Why not. I need the money,” and dived into the water. The school of sharks parted, allowing the lawyer to swim to shore.
In awe, the paralegal asked, “What was that about?”
The blog-writer responded, “Professional courtesy.”
Happy holidays!
